Intrusion

The last couple months have been tough.

He hovers on the edge of my thoughts, distracting me and hindering my ability to move forward, like a weight to my ankle. He was such a large part of my life that I can't seem to move on. I hear friends say his name a room over in hushed tones, like they're afraid I'll hear and lose my mind. Many of the good things I've gotten involved in, or have started for myself were initiated, or strongly encouraged by him, so now I don't have anywhere to hide. Do I find new hobbies? Do I stick it out and try to ignore the memories? How, or is it even possible for me to make these things my own?

This being said, I have been keeping an eye out for people I may be interested in spending some time with. Just an eye, no reaching, grasping hands or outrageous overtures. No one seems interesting enough. Intelligent enough. Shines enough in my opinion. Is this because I have set unrealistic expectations to stay isolated or am I not looking hard enough? So many questions! 'Am I doing this right?', 'Should I change my approach to this?', 'What is wrong with me?'...

I've been walking to try to think things through. For hours and hours. Nearly every night. And I've extended an invitation for anyone to join me if they felt like it. A couple nights in and I have an acquaintance asking to tag along. Thinking it might relieve some of the heaviness, I agreed. We talked a lot, we walked in silence, I got out some little bit of my frustration by ranting to him. He tries to kiss me.

Wait. This is wrong. All of this is wrong. Why in HELL would you try to put the moves on a new friend who's been actively vulnerable in your presence while trying to get over a long relationship? I had to force myself to walk away from that near-miss of a homicide. So much rage was boiling through me, I could barely hear and I just needed to get away.

I just don't know what to do anymore.