Intrusion

The last couple months have been tough.

He hovers on the edge of my thoughts, distracting me and hindering my ability to move forward, like a weight to my ankle. He was such a large part of my life that I can't seem to move on. I hear friends say his name a room over in hushed tones, like they're afraid I'll hear and lose my mind. Many of the good things I've gotten involved in, or have started for myself were initiated, or strongly encouraged by him, so now I don't have anywhere to hide. Do I find new hobbies? Do I stick it out and try to ignore the memories? How, or is it even possible for me to make these things my own?

This being said, I have been keeping an eye out for people I may be interested in spending some time with. Just an eye, no reaching, grasping hands or outrageous overtures. No one seems interesting enough. Intelligent enough. Shines enough in my opinion. Is this because I have set unrealistic expectations to stay isolated or am I not looking hard enough? So many questions! 'Am I doing this right?', 'Should I change my approach to this?', 'What is wrong with me?'...

I've been walking to try to think things through. For hours and hours. Nearly every night. And I've extended an invitation for anyone to join me if they felt like it. A couple nights in and I have an acquaintance asking to tag along. Thinking it might relieve some of the heaviness, I agreed. We talked a lot, we walked in silence, I got out some little bit of my frustration by ranting to him. He tries to kiss me.

Wait. This is wrong. All of this is wrong. Why in HELL would you try to put the moves on a new friend who's been actively vulnerable in your presence while trying to get over a long relationship? I had to force myself to walk away from that near-miss of a homicide. So much rage was boiling through me, I could barely hear and I just needed to get away.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Murphy's Law

I have a bad feeling about today. Nothing has gone right yet, and my normally sunny exterior is starting to smudge. Time to keep my head down and roll with the punches, maybe I'll be able to decompress later.

Magical World

I've started to realize that not everyone would think that my career-path is the most exciting or desirable. Shocking, people having their own opinions, would never have guessed.
Study->Work->More Study & Work
Some folk don't enjoy learning. Some folk don't enjoy being outside. Or exercise. Or discovery. And and and. This idea just seems crazy to me because I do enjoy it. An excuse to be paid for being outside most of the day? Flexible schedules, the ability to choose the site that interests you, possibly manage your own site?
While I've been working on the Stone Street dig with the good people from the Ziibiwing this summer, I've been keeping up with some of my Anthro-Archaeology friends who've ventured further abroad. Konieczny and Resowski, for example, have just gotten back from the biblical city of Sha'arayim, currently Khirbet Qeiyafa in Israel.
Just tell me that doesn't get your blood going!

Perhaps some day, (maybe even some day soon!) my path will change and I'll reach towards a more settled goal. One with less stiff muscles and sore knees at the end of the day and more... waxing philosophical in an arm chair with a bubble pipe.
There's not enough restless in my soul to remain a pot hunter for the rest of my life. There's determination in spades, but I know enough to keep my eyes out for opportunities. I'll try to keep the last phrase of Calvin and Hobbes in my head:

"It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy... Let's go exploring!"

Luckily Blessed, and Blessed with Luck.

Flipping through notebooks and happened upon some musings I feel like expanding in this blog.

• I'm an American, living in a (currently!) strong superpower of a first world country.
• I'm a female of the 21st century, a time in which women have more power than ever before.
• I have at least a modest intelligence and the access to education.
• I have my youth.
• I'm a member of a large, supportive extended family, with a tight knit core that I would do anything for, and who would do the same for me.
• I have a small number of close friends that I would trust with my life, and a larger number of positive acquaintances whom I enjoy spending time with.
• I have the means to support myself.
• I'm semi-attractive, somewhat confident, and self-assured, though constantly striving for self-improvement.
• 
  
• For all of this, I'm incredibly blessed, lucky, or a little bit of both.
• 
  
• And for all that I complain about silly little things... I'm very happy to be myself and wouldn't have it any other way.
  

Trench D!

Another successful day of dirt and dirt-related activities! Finishing up the contents of Trench D, and I think we've figured on a total of 26 individuals disinterred from the mound left by the backhoe. That's just ONE trench, people.

And yes I do, in fact, work on an Indian burial ground. For the season, that is. Come the cold weather I'll probably be stuck indoors washing/cataloging/indexing all the fun things we've been pulling out of the earth this summer. Thank god I'm a patient woman.

Speaking of seasons! We've had another day that's been pretending to be Autumn, today. High of 69, low of 49, overcast with a strong wind. I'll have to make sure I set aside a week-end to bid farewell to the good weather. Find somewhere, preferably a lake, that I can wrap up my summery goals! Swimming, cherry pie, reading in the sun (perhaps in a hammock?), and more cooking/picnicking in the great outdoors. Commence the plotting...

Musashi & Kojiro

I believe we had a discussion about Musashi. So, before I forget.

Kate Beaton--- ENGAGE.

http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=40

Labor Day!

Well, I'm a bottle of red down already and it's the start of a good day. A few folk are just watching me cook and drink while throwing obscure quotes my way to laugh at.
Weather's overcast, but the cook-out goes on regardless! There shall be delicious grilled meat or death!
On a separate note, I love wearing long skirts. I receive so many compliments on my graceful walk and swaying hips in them. Instant ego-boost. :D

Day of friends, family, and fun gets off to a great start. More updates as I feel like it! Now to check on my garlic bread...

Autumn Days.

It's autumn today, 64 and windy. Just like I like it.
I decided today was going to be a day I think with my feet. Woke up at 8, got back home at 1... makes it about a 3-4 hour walk sans travel time to the park.
Parked, got out, picked a direction... started walking, hands deep in my jacket pockets.

I walked until I didn't know where I was, and then walked to find myself.
And you know what I realized? I'm good company. For myself, that is. You can't be happy with anything unless you're happy with yourself first, and it's rare to find the kind of peace with yourself that I found this morning.

Thoughts unfolded in my mind as my feet hit the pavement/boardwalk/packed dirt of the trails and I just let them come. Questions were raised, answers found, and I was reminded of the Psychological Anthropology course I had taken a while back. Most particularly of the Trance section. If ever I have been in a trance state, its at times like those where I move in an impenetrable bubble, untouched by time.

New resolution - Always make time for Autumn days.

Once again, late at night needing someone to talk to. My short list of folk to contact being exhausted, I may just... try to sleep?

Oh, and a question. At what point is it appropriate to withdraw friendship from someone who continually blocks, argues with, and blames you for something you've done? At what point is it loyalty displaced? Just thinking to myself.

Goodnight, Internet.

Labor Day Weekend

Currently at my parents home checking up on Bonnie, their border collie/husky mix treasure of a canine. A somewhat new addition (within the last year), but I really don't think there is a sweeter, gentler, or more even tempered rescue dog out there. She's snoozing at my feet as I type, and I'm glad to have an opportunity to spend some more time with this darling.
Perhaps I should push for more romantic getaways between the two of them so I can have more time with this pup!

As I listen to the wind race through the trees, I can't help but reflect on the wonderful imagery of it all. A large house in the country, the woods reaching up around the back deck. A very much contended dog at my feet, myself barefoot and wearing a plaid shirt that reminds me strongly of Special Agent Dale Cooper for the color scheme.
Though I spent my adolescence/early adulthood in a booming metropolis, I still feel very much at home surrounded by the vivid green of forest. Watching the wind dance through the trees makes me very comfortable in my place in this world. Content to not rush through life, but savor every second.
Don't get me wrong, I'm also not trying to pack activities into every moment of my days. I rather enjoy just... taking it in. This falls into one of the better categories of days. One where I can relax for the evening, just me and Bonnie, immersed in this little piece of heaven.